emozioni inesplorate

Posso cose, ha detto o fatto cose per farti del male. Ma non era appena uscito di impulso o fuori lo sfiato fuori i miei sentimenti feriti e finiscono per voi rovinando nel processo - rovinando si era l'ultima delle mie intenzioni. Era davvero fuori amore e rispetto (per voi). Si può non capire che ora perché sei così così così emotivamente guidato con il suo rapporto con mio fratello, ma sono esattamente come la maggior parte delle persone che avrebbe tollerato l'immoralità sessuale in casa nostra. Non me ne frega se voi farsi male o capi di quello che a causa di ciò che ho detto, signora!!! Non sei piu ' un ragazzino! Che significa, devi essere più consapevoli e sicuramente più attenta delle vostre azioni. È possibile "unfriend" me tutto che vuoi, ma che sarà mai cambiare come ti vedo come una persona e più in particolare, come una donna..--cioè se sei uno.

Se siete davvero sono interessati, allora sapete cosa fare e soprattutto sai come dirlo. Perché ho avuto più responsabilità in un arco di 3 mesi (gennaio-marzo di quest'anno) che potrai mai sapere. Quindi se pensi che sei sul lato destro, GUESS nuovo!!!

Non darmi tue stronzate drammatica! Non intrattengo tale mentalità delinquenziale più e io non stavo allevato in questo modo entrambi. Va bene?

Infine, non compromettono il mio standard per artisti del calibro di voi!!

#responsabilità

#riflessione

#la pena di lodare donna

The "Right" Norms

A few days ago, I got pissed at this girl and had these evil thoughts of breaking her to pieces emotionally. I got threatened by the range and the rate she's done and achieved in our family.  Personally, I don't like her for my brother--regardless of age and whatnot.  I really don't see this "future" of theirs that they may or might have referred to.

The state of mind of such a person--an "unbeliever" (not a Christian); it's okay to be sexually immoral sometimes, especially at your dad's house--annoys and irritates me.  The fact that she pretended not to notice my reactions and the pre-tense "confusion" of the sin" she had done to me. The way she addresses she doesn't have or just don't want to know or see what it is or was astounds me. Her imperfections literally makes me want to burst into laughter. The kind that deeply scrutinizes and emphasizes the faults of unfamiliar terrains. How insulting, I know.

I hate how she had turned my dad into this apathetic mediocre man--unintentionally or unconsciously or worst, the opposite-- whom I, personally, used to look up to.  Fortunately, I have realized that I shouldn't have looked up to such people and just remain calm look up and be secured in God alone.

The fact that I have inflicted such "acclaimed pains" and "ruined' "her reputation" -- whatever that is-- makes me want to burst (into laughter, literally) even more!!! 

I have kept myself shut of this matter for a span of 3 mos, thinking "this too shall past".  Hoping for a better start every time. Unfortunately, things have appeared out of the norm and out of hand. For 3 long mos, I have been keeping myself accountable to my mentors and spiritual family and friends asking for advises and prayers. Until that very day had arrived. 

I am not sorry to have hurt her. Hurting her feelings was the last thing that I wanted to do.

This is actually a wake up call.  A notice. That I am more deeply hurt in these matters more than anyone else in the premises.  I, however, had no intentions of stating names in that previous comment on my wall post in my facebook account. I just stated facts. 

This kind of norm, however, is UNACCEPTABLE & UNFORGIVEABLE in the eyes of God. Don't just look at the logs and the many great levels of planks of my shortcomings and faults in the past. Cause the past is THE PAST.  Try to see things differently.  We're not the only ones at the premises. Remember there's also a child who see things differently from us.  And I for one, do not want him to imitate or emulate your irresponsibility and you unaccountable actions. Let it be stated here.

I wish not to be a peace with the world.  As Paul once stated, "Love the Light and Hate the world... Do not conform with the ways of this corrupt generation (the world)."

Finally, I am no longer and have no longer and most importantly, will no longer look for happiness in places, especially in material things. One thing is for certain, I have found JOY.  and happiness...is elusive because it's circumstantial. Unlike Joy. It's permanent.

The month of January of this Year

           I finally met the guy who had all my written non-negotiable traits. Unfortunately, he turned out to be in love with someone else. What's even worst is that I even lied to him into making him think that I was in love with someone else. How awful can I get? 

   

         As I listen to him talking about his love for this girl, every word coming from him felt like a dagger to my heart. Part of me was screaming and telling me to say, "Please stop. It's too much.. I can no longer bear hearing your story. (and then just walk out)" Meanwhile, the other part just wants to keep listening to him say every little detail of it. I even gave him Lasagna and a book--that he intently returned for me to read first. haha. Funny thing was, I haven't really read the book that time, just thought of giving it to him instead. Hahaha... But I think that was my charm: to give something to people without even caring "what's in it" or "what's it all about". 

           This was the month that really struck me--the month that gave me Typhoid Fever for four excruciating days and made me feel more insignificant in the family. But this was also the saddest month that I have ever encountered in my life. I never thought I would find someone whom I could connect with in that certain level -- a godly level, the kind of friendship or chemistry wherein you've only met for a few weeks and feels like you've been friends for so long-- only to find out that that kind of love that I sought can not be mine. Or worst, can NEVER BE MINE.  

           I never intended to fall in love with him.  It wasn't even part of the plan. It just happened. Slowly, as days gone by, I wasn't aware of what I was getting myself into. Love. 

         Nevertheless, I remain faithful to God and pray that things will work out between us just as it was like back then. Though I know that what was back then can never repeat itself the second time around. I'll still pray for things to come: friendship will rekindle and hopefully, our communication would return to how it was back then. 'Coz I really miss him. I miss talking to him, knowing how he's doing and the conversations we use to share. Please don't think of it the wrong way. It's just that, I haven't a single text from him since that day. 

        I hope he's doing well.  If God hears my prayers one of these days, that'll be the best gift ever! For now, I'll just keep on waiting. Praying. And hoping for his return.